I am not who I used to be and I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.
I have changed and it only just hit me a few minutes ago when I wanted to eat french fries for the first time in a long time..
My entire life, I have been one to put ketchup all over my fries, but today I put ketchup beside my fries.
Since childhood, I have always been one to use my fingers to eat fries, but today I found myself using a fork.
A DAMN FORK!!
While I was eating, I was questioning what led me to this stage. Then I remembered that a few days ago, I ate ice-cream in a cup; everyone who knows me knows how much I enjoy a good ice-cream cone.
The overthinker in me couldn’t help but re-think everything I have done in the past period of time. My recent actions seem to be showing that I am somehow becoming more and more ‘careful’ in everything I do.
I have never been a careful person!
Being an adrenaline junkie since day one, I have always enjoyed specifically NOT being careful. Danger has always been appealing to me and I’ve usually been more inclined towards learning my lessons the hard way.
From sky-diving, to driving fast cars & motorcycles, to breaking rules, to spontaneous decision-making, to public speaking, I have constantly been impressed by hazardous situations.
Regardless of whether danger arrives in the form of guns, fire, flying, rollercoasters, boxing, petting wild animals, or falling in love, it has always truly fascinated me. The hurried breathing, the racing heartbeat, the butterflies dancing around the stomach and the excitement of jumping rope with the fine line separating between fun and horror, there has forever been a certain degree of beauty in uncertainty.
This may not make sense to most, but threatening my life has always given me a reason to live.
Impulsive decisions have always been both my best friend and my worst enemy.
So what changed?
From avoiding food messes, to increasingly ‘calculating’ my risks, to hiding behind my writer’s block, to avoiding human interactions as much as I can, it seems like I am slowly building walls around myself.
But for what? I have no clue.
Are the numerous disappointments, frustrations and broken promises finally catching up with me?
Am I running from myself?
Is this me evolving and becoming a better person?
Is this situation good or bad?
I honestly can’t tell at the moment..
But stay tuned to find out!